A Series Of Most Wonderfully Unfortunate Events
by queen-severus
Summary: Seamus Finnegan loses a bet. Unfortunate for Severus Snape, but fortunate for us;) Then Harry steps in w a New Plot. This used to be When Flobberworms Attack!
1. When Flobberworms Attack!

AN:  This is meant to only be a one chapter.  It came to me in a BLINDINGLY WHITE FLASH OF RABID SCHIZOPHRENIC PLOT BUNNY!!!!!!

Scene 1:  Gryffindor Common Room, 12:46 AM.  Seamus, Dean, Harry, Ron, and Neville are sitting around playing Truth or Dare.

Dean:  "I can't believe we're playing Truth or Dare like a bunch of bleedin' girls"

Seamus: "Shut up, Dean, it was YOUR idea."

Dean:  "Shut up, Semen..

Seamus attempts to flog Dean

Harry:  "KNOCK IT OFF YOU TWO!  sighWell, Seamus, it's your turn:  Truth or Dare."

Seamus:  "Uhhhhh…………. Dare."

Harry:  "HA!  Stupid you!  I DARE you to…..mwahahaa…..RUN UP TO SNAPE IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT FLOBBERWORM LECTURE HE WAS TALKING ABOUT YESTERDAY AND YANK DOWN HIS PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Seamus:  "HELL NO!"

Harry:  "You know what the rules are.  If you back out of a dare, you have to walk completely naked through the Great Hall during the Halloween Feast.

Seamus:  "Damn it, I don't know what's worse.  Letting people see ME naked, or being that close to Snape's rod…"

Neville:  "Knowing him, he'd prolly poke it at you."

Seamus:  "SHUT UP YOU!! Shit, what am I going to do……………?"

Dean:  "Embarrass the HELL out of Snape!"

Ron:  "Knowing that poof, he'd continue teaching like that…"

Harry:  "Come on, you KNOW you'd love to do it to Snape."

Seamus:  "DO IT TO SNAPE???  WHAT THE HELL??  HE'S GOING TO HAVE HIS POKER STICKING OUT AND YOU SAY THAT I'D LOVE TO DO HIM!?!?!???????  HOLY SHIT, HARRY!"

Harry:  "Heh, sorry…"

Ron:  "Knowing Hermione, she'll love it…  she always seems kinda loopy in that class… like when Lockhart was around…"

Dean:  "OHHHH, aren't _we_ jealous."

Ron:  "SHUT YER FUCKING FACE."

Harry:  "So, what are you going to do…?"

Seamus:  "Well, getting one over on Snape would be fun…"

GROUP:  "DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Seamus:  "STOP SAYING THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

GROUP:  "heh…"

Seamus:  "AL_RIGHT_!"

group busts out in uproarious laughter, followed by ejaculations such as "Sweet," "Dude," and "Bloody 'ell!"

Scene 2:  Potions Dungeon.  Snape at the head of the room, motioning towards a diagram of a flobberworm.  Lines point to different parts of its anatomy, none of which have been labeled.

Snape:  "Alright you marching morons, get in your seats…  GOOOD children.  We will also be having class today with the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs due to extenuating circumstances…"

Harry:  "Seamus, he seems to be in a GREAT mood."

Seamus:  "Ah, SHIT."

Dean:  "Backing out?"

Seamus:  "Hell no.  But if I die today, tell me mam it was a flobberworm that killed me."

Ron:  "Let's just hope his flobberworm IS flobbery…."

Seamus:  "GOD RON, YOU'RE DISGUSTING!"

Ron:  "YYYUP."

Snape:  "Will the Gryffindors congregated in the back of the dungeon take their seats before I give them all SEVEN REAMS OF PARCHMENT WORTH OF HOMEWORK!!!!!!!"

Group:  mumbles  "Sorry Professor Snake… hehehe"

Snape:  evil eye O_o  "WHAT DID YOU SAY??"

Group:  "SORRY PROFESSOR SNAPE!!"

Snape:  glare o' DOOOOM!!!  "Anyways, like I said last class, though I'm sure no one remembers snort from Ron:  "Heh, his flobby worm."  Harry:  "Jesus Christ, Ron!", today we will be studying the uses of the parts of a Flobberworm Ron:  "Penis, testes"  Hermione smacks Ron in household potions.  The ventral sucker Ron:  "Bet you'd like to ventral sucker him, Hermione."  Hermione begins to cry of the Flobberworm is used in a Potion used to remove nasty stains Ron:  "yeah, you know a/b those too Hermione."  Harry shoves his wand up Ron's nose and mutters "Electrico"  Ron yelps.  Seamus:  "He's so pissed he's not even noticing….." from porcelain.  Can anyone who actually READ their text please come to the board and label the ventral sucker."

Hermione:  "OOOHHOHHHOOOOOO, I CAN I CAN!!!"

Snape:  "For the love of Hell, we KNOW you know the answer Granger.  Shut your mouth."

Ron:  whisper  "I told you she could label his ventral SUCKER."

Snape:  "Anyone Else??"

Malfoy:  "sighs  I can."

Malfoy strides to the front of the room and correctly labels the ventral sucker

Snape:  "Correct, of course _Mr_. Malfoy.  Please take your seat.  Malfoy walks to his seat, smirking at Hermione  Now then, the testes class twitters  OH SHUTTUP.  Good Lord, for a bunch of sixth years, you all ARE immature.  The TES-TES are used to make potions more potent.  They are especially useful if a blundering idiot, such as most of you, waters down his potion due to his carelessness.  Will someone here please come up and label the testes."

Ron:  whispers  "Here's your chance, Mate."

Neville:  whispers  "It's PERFECT!!!"

Dean:  whispers  "Go up and do it now!"

Harry:  grins evilly

Seamus:  "I'll do it, Professor."

Ron:  "Yeah you will ;)"

Seamus:  "Shhh!"

Seamus slowly walks the Trail of Tears up to the chalkboard.  Harry, Ron, Neville, and Dean are desperately trying NOT to fall out of their seats laughing.  Hermione:  "What??!?"  Seamus fiddles with his wand that he has stuck up his sleeve.

Snape:  "Come on, Finnegan, we don't have all day."

Seamus:  "_ABDO BRACCAE!!!_"

Snape stands there with nothing on but a T-shirt and his cape…

Seamus:  "THERE'S pokes snape in the balls with his wand the testes!!"  Snape immediately becomes erect

Harry, Ron, Neville, Dean:  "OHMYGOD, WHATTHEFUCK

Cho:  faints

Luna:  faints

Snape:  evident anger

Seamus:  runs from room

Snape:  "_Accio_ Pants."  nothing happens

Girls:  goggle

Ron:  goggles

Harry:  RON!!!

Ron:  "I know, mate, but LOOK, he's HUGE!"

Harry:  "I-AM-NOT-LOOKING!"

Hermione:  runs up to Snape  "Can I touch it?!?!"

Snape:  looks mortified… then intrigued…  "No…!"

Hermione:  faints

Girls:  faint

Everyone but Harry, Ron, Neville, Dean, and the passed out girl population runs from the room

Harry, Neville, Dean:  try not to stare at Snape

Ron:  tries, but fails and stares at Snape

Snape:  "God I hate when this happens…"

AN:  that's it, my demented story.  I must tell you, we were studying the Nematodes in Zoology today, thus the 'flobberworms."  And for everyone that hasn't seen "Dark Harbor," who WOULDN'T want to see a full frontal of Alan Rickman.  ^_~


	2. When Ugly Wigs Attack!

AN:  poor snape.  If he was tortured any more in fandom, he'd prolly Avada Kedrava us all….

AN2:  Sequel to When Flobberworms Attack!!

AN3:  if y'all are looking for this one to be as pervy as the last one, you'll be disappointed.  It IS funny though, I assure you.

[Potions Dungeon]

Harry:  OMYGOD, did he just do that?!?!

Ron:  What?

Harry:  Whoa…  I can't believe it

Ron:  WHAT?

Harry:  Heh, hope Hermione didn't see that……she'd die."

Ron:  **WHAT**!?!

Harry:  Snape…

Ron:  What about him!?

Harry:  No….

Ron:  I'M GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS UP WITH YOU!!

Harry:  I swear to God he just scratched UNDER his hair w/ his wand.

Ron:  Wait, how can you scratch UNDER your hair?

Harry:  "well duh' stare

Ron:  O_O  NO!

Harry:  Yes.

Ron:  NO WAY!!!!!!!

Harry:  Way.

Ron:  Wait…

Harry:  Exactly.

Ron:  But…

Harry:  Let me guess:  Where?

Ron:  Right.  I mean, wherever he got it, I hope he didn't pay more than a knut for it, because it's WRETCHED.

Harry:  Yup.

Ron:  I used to feel sorry for 'im, but now I think he's just STUPID.  I mean, who CHOOSES to have hair like that?!

Snape:  What was that, Weasley No. 5?

Ron:  stifles giggle  Oh nothing, Professor.

[Dinner, Great Hall]

Harry:  We have to do something.

Ron:  Let's ask McGonnagal.  She hates him as much as we do.

Harry:  HAHA, we _could_ always ask Trelawney.  She's been sweet on him for years.  I'm sure she's cornered him in a few dark dungeons…

Ron:  Bloody 'ell, Harry, , I don't even want to THINK about that.

Harry:  But she probably would know.

Ron:  Why don't we just say "Accio Wig" in class sometime and see what happens.

Harry:  That could work…  Let's head back to the Common Room.

[Hallway]

[Harry and Ron hear voices, and hid behind a statue]

Flitwick:  Severus, you need to be more careful.

Snape:  I know, but you know I hate it when people mess with my hair.

Flitwick:  Heh, or lack thereof

Snape:  FIDELIS!

Flitwick:  Sorry.  Hey, you did promise you'd tell me how it happened.

Snape:  Do I have to…

Flitwick:  YES!

Snape:  Geez, Munchkin, you don't have to get all excited.

Flitwick:  Shush!  Do you want people to find out I'm one of the last Munchkins?!

Snape:  Sorry.  I always wondered, were you in the Wizard of Oz?  I've often looked for you (it IS my favourite movie) in it, but haven't been able to find you.

Flitwick:  That's because they cut my scene…

Snape:  Why??

Flitwick:  Let's just say it entailed a Munchkin hanging in the middle of the Dark Forest.  Did you know that those scenes were filmed in the Forbidden Forest?

Snape:  That's slightly frightening, Fidelis..

Flitwick:  Shut up, you're just jealous.  But back to YOUR story.

Snape:  sighs  To give it to you in a nutshell, I pissed off James and Sirius in potions one day, so they shoved my head in the cauldron.  Something called a "swirly."  Because of the contents of the cauldron, all my hair fell out and has NEVER grown back in…

Flitwick:  Heh, that's kind of funny…

Snape:  I suggest you stop laughing.  Peeves does not mind giving Professor's 'swirlies' in Myrtle's stall.

Flitwick:  OH DEAR GOD NO!!

Snape:  I thought you might say that.  Anyways, I need you to re-charm my wig.

Flitwick:  Of course, Severus:  _Letesco!_

Snape:  yanks on wig.  It doesn't move  Thanks.

Snape and Flitwick walk away from Harry and Ron

Harry/Ron:  OMYFUCKINGGOD!

Ron:  We SO have to do that in class!!!

Harry:  Yeah, but if I do, you'll lose Hermione forever to the Cult of Snape.

Ron:  SHUTTUP

Harry:  Heh, I know you're a wizard, but did you ever see "Miss Congeniality."

Ron:  Gah, that's Ginny's favorite movie…

Harry:  Hehe.  sings"You think she's gooorrrgeous.  You want to kiissss her

Ron:  SHADDUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry:  Hug her and loooooove her"

Ron:  I'm gonna kill you!!!

Harry:  Yeah, but if you do that, I won't get to use the Accio spell, and you know I'm better than you!

Ron:  Bloody showoff.

[Next day, Potions]

Harry:  You do it.

Ron:  No you.

Harry:  No you!

Ron:  You!

Harry:  You!

Ron:  YOUR better at it, remember!

Harry:  Damn you..Sigh  Hey Hermi-o-ninny, might want see this…

Hermione:  DON'T call me that…  only Viktor can call me that…

Ron:  fake-wretches into cauldron  Oh wait, did I do that??  My bad.  Sorry.

Harry:  musters up what little courage he has left  _Accio Wig!_

Snape's wig FORCIBLY rips off like a tight bandaid.  Snape squeaks in pain!

class bursts into joyful laughter

Harry:  holds wig in hand  I guess you won't be needing this!

Ron:  HA!  For a guy that's quite hairy in **ahem** other places, your head is quite shiny.

Snape:  patented Snape Glare o'DoOOoOOM

Harry:  You would know, wouldn't you.  "but LOOK, he's HUGE!"

Ron:  Heh, yeah I would.  So would Hermione.  "Can I touch it?!?!"

Hermione:  Hey, I was just a/b to ask him that…

Ron:  GOOD GOD, you have the WORST taste in men.

Hermione:  Well, I USED to like you, so what does that say a/b YOU??

Ron:  gasps

Snape:  STILL trying to speak

Ron:  still gasping

Hermione:  HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT!

Harry:  I think I'll keep the wig.  It'll go great w/ my boggart Snape suit…

Snape:  strides out of room…  face is as purple as his irritated scalp

AN:  God, what is WRONG w/ me?!


	3. When Ron's Wand Attacks!

AN:  This one is dedicated to my wonderfully awesome Chem teacher, Anne Gilmore.  Anyone in CP (aka:  stupid people) chemistry during 2001-2002 will remember this (unless you were one of the many stoned ppl in my chem lab.)  includes a few blatant dogma references (for those near and dear to the Metatron's heart, you'll pick up on 'em)

[Potions Lab}

Snape:  Now class, to remove the steam from your brew, take out your wand, say lumos.  For all you twits out there, that will make the end of your wand light up) and thrust it into your cauldron.  The steam should be removed almost instantly.  Begin.

Ron:  Lumos.  wand ignites.  Ron  thrusts in his wand, snapping (heh, not SNAPEing) it against the side of the cauldron.  The disappearing steam pops like a cannon.  Ron, scared out of his wits, lets go of his wand.  The expanding gases cause the wand to go flying through the air, with the lit end falling onto Professor Snape's robes.

Snape:  roars with anger

Ron:  laughing

Snape:  opens mouth, closes mouth.  Opens mouth, closes mouth.  Cannot speak from anger

Ron:  turns white as Snape's foundation

Snape:  Eyes blazing   WWWWWHHHYYYYYY!??!!?!?!!?

Ron: realizes Snape's robes have ignited.  With an evil gleam in his eye, attempts to "help" by pushing Snape under the emergency fire faucet.  Ron turns on faucet, drenching Snape

Snape:  head nearly explodes.  Has more colour in his face than anyone thought was humanly imaginable.  WHY THE HELL DID YOU PUT ME UNDER THE FAUCET?!?!

Ron:  grinning  Uh, sir..  well you WERE on fire…

Snape:  hair matted to head, wig slides down face, foundation and mascara dripping, robes CLINGING (Hermione:  sigh) to himself quite alluringly  But.. WHY WATER O_o!?

Ron:  Because… uh, well… you were stepping on my wand, sir, which you seem to have managed to break.

Snape:  So this is MYYYY fault, eh?

Ron:  Of…of course not…, sir.

Snape:  So who's fault is it, Weasley?

Ron:  Uh…..looks around room  It was Malfoy's fault.

Snape:  WHAT??

Malfoy:  WHAT??

Ron:  Yeah, he tripped me, and I dropped my wand.

Malfoy:  WHAT??  I wouldn't waste my time on a WEASLEY.

Snape:  muttering to himself  But I CAN'T punish him…. He's a Malfoy….

Malfoy:  You and your bloody parents trying to ruin everything!

Snape:  thinks to self:  what would I normally do in this situation  Um, FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!

Ron:  Why?!

Snape:  Because you bloody well ruined my robes, that's why.  .

Harry:  stands up to say something

Snape:  Potter, I know what you're going to say already, so just sit down and shut up.

Harry:  sits down, scowling

Snape:  mutters Will this NEVER end!

[later that evening]

Ron:  Oh, bloody hell, they changed the staircases again.

Harry:  Heh, this is always fun… except not.

[Wander aimlessly.  Desperately trying to find Gryffindor Tower.  End up in dungeons]

Ron:  OMYGOD, we found it.

Harry:  Found what?

Ron:  What have we ALWAYS looked for?

Harry:  Uh… your mom?

Ron:  NO!!! Snape's lair.

Harry.  O_O  No way!

Ron:  nods

Harry:  Shall we?  motions towards door _Alohomora_.  door creaks open. Ron and Harry creep in

Snape is standing in the middle of an impeccably immaculate living room, wearing nothing but boxers, a tee-shirt, fuzzy socks, and bright pink fuzzy slippers (oh, and his sexiest cape), ironing his robes from earlier in the day.  His hair is up in steam curlers.  He is singing Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" at the TOP of his lungs (and managing to hit every note, I might add).  Turns head to see Harry and Ron standing in his doorway

Harry/Ron:  WHAT THE HELL?!?!

Snape:  deepest sigh imaginable  This is a nightmare…

AN:  yeah, I know it's short, but OH WELL.  Don't yell at me, b/c I'll yell back.  Just ask Faber Wolffe, hehe;).  Btw, check out faber's stuff (fanfic name:  'Faber Wolffe').  She gives me some help on the humor ones, b/c we basically share a brain (not in a rocky horror/eddie kinda way, but still;)  Alan, I'm still waiting for you to read and respond!


	4. When the Weasley Twins Attack!

Albus: Thank you, professors, for being so prompt in arriving for this meeting.  As I seem to have to do every year, I have gathered you here to introduce the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teachers.

Severus:  Teachers??  Don't TELL me I have to teach this with someone else!  grumbles

Albus:  No, Severus, you won't be, because you are NEVER going to teach this class.  Remember what happened last time?  You go so angry that you Avada Kedavra'd some poor first year."

Severus:  grinning Yeah, and he deserved it.

Albus:  sighing Anyways, the new Defense teachers this year shall be Fred and George Weasley."

Severus:  WHAT?!!  YOU'RE LETTING THOSE FOOLS TEACH THAT CLASS?!?!!?!?!

Albus:  Of course.  The boys, though quite mischievous in their school days, were quite brilliant.  Their store..

Severus:  THEIR STORE BLEW UP A SQUARE BLOCK OF HOGSMEADE!

"SEVERUS.  Please stifle yourself, or leave.  You're just pissed that they blew up your house. Severus pondered the possibility of missing yet another faculty meeting, but decided it would be much more fun to glare at Dumbledore

Minerva:  Personally, Albus.  I think the boys would be a perfect addition to the Hogwarts teaching staff.  We do need some young blood around.

Binns:  Was that a jab, Minerva? Binns looks seriously hurt

Minerva:  I seriously didn't think… I apologize.

Albus:  Anyways, The twins have apparently perfected a potion **EVIL SNAPE GLARE O' DOOOOOOOM** that when put into candy form allows a student to assume the form of Dark animals.  While in this state, the other students can practice on the student, and none of the damage is inflicted on the student.  Liking this new hands-on approach to Defense class, I decided to hire them.  I know it's been difficult for some of you in the past when former students have joined the faculty **glances briefly at Snape** but please treat them as you would any other faculty member."

[…]

Fred:  Class, give in your seats.  Oh shut it!  It's not that hard.  Even we could sit down and shut up when we were here!

George:  Shut it, Fred, of course we could.

Fred:  No, George.  No.  We really couldn't.

George:  I know, but THEY don't need to know that!  Oh…"  George suddenly realizes that a large group of baffled first-years had witnessed the entire fight

George:  Aight, like I said, shuttup and sit down.  Today's lesson will be probably the MOST important lesson you'll ever have at Hogwarts.  SNAPE IS EVIL!  Now repeat after me! George sweeps his arms like a conductor SNAPE IS EVIL!!!!  No one, not even Fred, joins in with him

Francis:  Well, duh, everyone knows that.

George:  glaring And WHO might you be?"

Francis:  Finnegan, sir.  Francis Finnegan."

Fred and George:  moaning Oh bloody 'ell

George:  Anywho, like any dark creature, Snape has his weakness.  Does anyone know what this is?

Leslie:  "OOOhhhh, OOOHHH, PICK ME"

Fred:  Give off, Leslie.  We KNOW you know it.  That at least you inherited from Hermione, I mean your mother"

Leslie:  Sorry Uncle Fred Leslie Weasley, daughter of Ron and Hermione Weasley sits, head hanging, burning face hiding under her bushy black hair, a single tear sliding down her hooked nose.

George:  Severus', I mean Professor Snape's one and ONLY weakness (other than Lily Evans, hehe) is….CHOCOLATE!!

Leslie:  Realization flying across her face Uncle George, is THAT why Professor Snape likes Uncle Rem..

Fred:  WE TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT!!!!  But the answer is yes, sweetie winks  And might I say I'm very happy to have finally gotten THAT out I the open.  But, George, you KNOW he does have that other weakness…

Class:  WHAT IS IT?!?!

George:  Oh YEAH Fred, he DOES.

Class:  WHAT WHAT?!

Fred:  Well, it's nice to see a Defense class actually asking questions.  I haven't seen this since the days of Lupin and Mad-Eye.

George:  But you know it wasn't Mad-Eye, Fred.

Fred:  Shut up, you KNOW what I meant.  growls  Anyways, you know those horrible black eyes that glare at you all so menacingly at you?!  Those aren't real you know… grins  He's as blind as a bat without those things.  If you want to have some fun with ickle Snivvykins, just yell ACCIO CONTACTS! some day! Two pairs of green contacts fly towards Fred  Eh, sorry mate.

James:  YEAH, BUT THAT'S THE THIRD TIME THIS MONTH, UNCLE FRED!!

Fred:  Well, Master Potter, it seems that you've inherited the ability to yell out in the middle of class from your father.  in best Professor Snape voice  FIVE POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!!

James:  But Uncle Fred!!

Fred:  Seriously mate, you should have KNOWN I was kidding.  Like I'd ever do that

George:  So yes class, now that you all have THAT ammo under your belts, Poor Professor Severus Sexton Snape is going to be having QUITE the good time.

Leslie:  shrieking _Sex_ton?  That so makes sense!!

George:  Oh look at that, Fred, she's just like her mother!

Fred:  Yeah she is, George.  Anyways kids, REMEMBER, CONSTANT VIGILENCE!!  Hahahahahahahhahah realizes that no one knows what he is talking about but George, who is on the floor laughing  Uh, now, the lesson is over, so be off!

Leslie:  But sir, we've only been here 5 minutes?

George:  So?  That's it!  Be off!

Fred:  Well, at least that's over with."

George:  Yeah, Fred, but you've got to admit, it was fun.  I can't believe you told 'em a/b Ickle Snivvykins's contacts issue."

Fred:  Heh, well, it's about damn time everyone knew."

[1990, Hallway outside dungeons]

Fred:  I can't believe that greasy prat gave us detention for SNEEZING."

George:  YOU'RE the one that sneezed, Fred."

Fred:  I know, mate.  He probably just thinks that because we're twins we sneeze on the same time.  Fred and George reach the entrance to Snape's lair…uh, dungeon… uh, classroom.  Whatever.  The twins hear the most horrific sound in the world:  Snape sneezing through that superlative schnozz

Snape:  WOW, WOW, OH MY GODS.  I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.  I MANAGED TO SNEEZE WITH MY EYES OPEN.  Fred and George exchange WTF looks, and peer into see what Snape's doing MAN, I ROCK THE HOUSE!!!  Uh, wait where'd my contacts go? Fred and George chortle  I'm as blind as a bat without these things!!  And not near as menacing!  Where the HELL did they go?!  Fred writes on a spare piece of parchment:  Snape = blind w/o contacts.  Remember!  George whispers, "That's the first time you've ever taken notes, Fred!"  Fred grins.  Oh, there's one!  Snape sticks the black-tinged contact into his mouth to clean it [Fred:  EWWWW], spreads the lids of his right eye out with his right thumb and forefinger, and places it into his light grey eyes.  George:  You think he's overcompensating on the color??  Managing to find the other contact now that the has one good eye, Snape goes through this same eye-care ritual once again.  The twins duck out of the classroom, figuring that because of this ordeal, Snape has probably forgotten that they have detention.  Unfortunately, George gets the giggles as they're walking out.  Snape, realizing someone has seen this little incident, runs out of the classroom, grabbing the twins by the back of their collars.NOT SO FAST YOU TWO!"

George:  Uh, sir, we were just coming down for detention

Snape:  George Weasley, you mean to tell me that in walking AWAY from this door you were coming TO detention?"

George:  We thought detention was to be in your office, sir.

Snape:  Understandable.  Except my office is in the opposite direction.

Fred:  Well, sir, you see the staircases changed, and…

Snape:  That will be quite enough, Masters Weasley.  I think detention shall last twice as long tonight.  as they follow behind Snape, Fred mumbles, "Man, this bugger needs a life!"

[Present, DADA classroom]

George:  True, Fred, it IS about damn time everyone knew.

[Next day, Potions dungeon]

James:  Do it, Leslie.

Leslie:  No, James, YOU do it.

James:  But he hates me, Les.

Leslie:  He hates everyone.  You can't use that as an excuse.

James:  sigh FINE!  with every ounce of courage the young Gryffindor contains, he screams "ACCIO CONTACTS!" Snape's contacts flew out of his eyes and landed in James's hand.  As this was only the second day of class, he had not yet memorized his student's voices.  Being blind he couldn't see very well either

Snape:  WHO THE HELL WAS THAT!?!

Leslie:  AWWWWWWWWWWWW  AWWWWWWW, PROFESSOR SNAPE SAID A BAD WOOORD, BAD WOOOOORD!!!!

The class bursts into random mayhem.  James rips the contacts into tiny pieces and throws them into Peter Longbottom's cauldron, which causes its contents to explode.  Snape reaches in the folds of his robes and pulls out a very stylish pair of black framed glasses, much like those worn by a certain Snape look-alike in 2003's smash hit "Love Actually."  In fact, he looks much like said actor, only with longer, shinier hair.

Snape:  IF I _EVER_ FIND OUT WHO THAT WAS, HE OR SHE WILL WISH THEY HAD _NEVER BEEN **BORN!**_  under his breath:  "I'm gonna kill those twins"

           "Hey James, if I knew he was that hot with glasses, I'd've gotten you to do that sooner."

           "Please tell me I'm not going to have to put up with this for seven years, Les"

           "Nah, probably longer."

           James just sighs, and shakes his head.  He knows he should have known better.  Even after being married to Uncle Ron for all these years, Aunt Hermione still got all dreamy-eyed whenever anyone mentioned anything to do with potions, Snape, or the color black, much to Uncle Ron's chagrin.

[That afternoon, Teacher's Lounge]

News had reached the entire school as to the events in the Potions dungeon that morning.  Fred and George sat at the table, sipping tea, knowing what was about to happen.  Snape's last class ended at 2 o'clock.  At 2:01, all hell will break loose.  Snape bursts through the doorway, robes billowing as only his can.  George glances at his watch

George:  Right on time, Professor.  I heard your caffeine addiction was bad, Sev, but one minute after class is over…

Snape:  WHY!!!!?!!????

Fred:  Whatever do you mean, Professor?  George, do you know what he means?"

George:  I have no idea, Fred.  What are you talking about, Sev?

Snape:  Am I to believe that you had nothing to do with today's events?

Fred:  And those events would be…?

Snape:  YOU KNOW WHAT I'M BLOODY WELL TALKING ABOUT, FRED WEASLEY

Fred:  _Don't_ call me Fred!  grins You think you'd be able to tell us apart by NOW, Sev!"

Snape:  No, I can't tell two equally moronic blunders apart.  And DON'T call me Sev!!"

George:  Aight, Sevy. slight mouth twitch

Snape:  I… _HATE.. YOU TWO!!!!!!!_

Fred:  Fair enough, Professor.  But you still haven't told us what we've done.

Snape:  Well, if it isn't obvious, then I'm not telling you.

George:  Great way to go all PMS'y there Professor.

Snape:  SHUT UP GEORGE!  Fine!  Why did you tell the students about my… eye problem

George:  By eye problem, you do mean compensation problem, right?

Snape:  SHUT IT!

George:  And, no sir, we had nothing to do with it, we swear.  Merlin's honor!  But we do have something that might make you feel better, Severus"

Fred:  You don't mean, George.

George:  Of COURSE I do.  We invented it with him in mind!!

Fred:  But would he go for it?

George:  He might.

Snape:  I AM standing right here!  Spit it out!

Fred:  Well, we have manage to concoct a potion…

Snape:  I doubt that.

Fred:  A potion that will make your hair grow back!

Snape:  …  … … what?

George:  You heard us.  A potion, made especially for you, to make your hair grow back.

Snape:  blinded by joy  Where is it?!!?

Fred:  reaches into his backpack {you didn't seriously think he'd have a briefcase did you?} and pulls out a small vile of green liquid  Here you go, sir.

Snape:  without even thinking of testing it, pulls off his wig, yanks out the cork, and downs the potion.  He runs to the mirror and watches as shoulder-length Weasley-red hair grows in  WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME????????

George:  Well, what'd you expect sir.  The only person we tried it on was Ginny…

[fin]

AN:  hope y'all had fun w/ it!!  Btw, this is the longest chpt I've ever written EVER.  Oh, you should be so proud (and yes, I DO realize I used the word 'ever' twice in that sentence)


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